


Chaos Inc.

by Lauren_Flowerpot



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Amanda and the Rowdy 3 RUN the shady bar scene in dystopian oregon., Amanda hates the government but she isn't knew about todd's internship, Dirk the drug dealer, F/F, Farah is also in the drug running trade, M/M, Other, dystopian so we're not questioning dirk being a drug dealer, todd is an intern at a weapons manufacturer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-31
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-11 23:37:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13534959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lauren_Flowerpot/pseuds/Lauren_Flowerpot
Summary: There’s only two real money making opportunities now. Chemical engineering, and hard drugs. As Dirk did not consider himself intelligent enough to aid in the forced evolution of biochemical warfare, he had settled for turning the brains of the nation into pop rocks.Essentially, Dirk is a drug dealer, and a good one at that. Farah is his business partner. Dirk was hella more tortured than canonically accurate by the CIA, Farah's gf tina is a police officer but totally gives no fucks about the wayward politics of the law, she just want to help people, and Farah gives her drugs. Oh, btw dirk is a janitor at the weapons place so he can accidentally throw out important plans and such.





	1. What we do here

Recently the sky has looked bruised. Greyish blues mingle with yellow and dark gray clouds of polluted air. When the sun sets they are tinted deep orange around the edges. As the sun sets, the people come out. 

There’s only two real money making opportunities now. Chemical engineering, and hard drugs. As Dirk did not consider himself intelligent enough to aid in the forced evolution of biochemical warfare, he had settled for turning the brains of the nation into pop rocks. 

He watched his newest client inhale his first lungful. He could see the boy shift as the initial strange feeling crept up his legs. He knew the boy felt like there were butterflies in his entire system, and his whole body was buzzing in pure ecstasy. The kid’s eyes widened as he gripped the pipe. He had apparently let go of all of the anxiety that made him hesitate a moment ago and took another hit. Only this time it made him feel even better. His head tilted back and blood rushed to it. Dizziness was lightly dancing through his brain, it showed in the way his eyelashes fluttered. It showed in the way his unoccupied hand gripped the arm of the chair he was on. His veins sang in sharp but beautiful notes, as the pipe dropped out of his relaxed fingers. The boy went still and Dirk shifted to check his pulse. Unconscious, but he’d probably live. Dirk stood up from the couch and bent to pick up the pipe. He wrapped the hot metal in a rag and shoved it in his bag. He had places to be.

Looking back on the kid he left in the chair he smiled as he saw him twitch as a moan erupted from his lips. His pants tented up around his crotch. 

He laughed to himself walking out of the boy’s apartment. He did up the top button of his shirt and fixed his collar. His jacket was thrown on, and He shoved his earbuds in his ears. He jogged down the nearest stairwell onto the street below. He walked eight blocks before pushing open the door to his own apartment. He knelt down instinctively and closed his eyes. Something sharp dug into his arm and his face was enveloped by a warm wetness. He scratched his dogs on the head respectively and hung his jacket with the others behind the door before striding to the cupboard to fish out the dog food. When people met Rapunzel and Lydia, they usually commented on how the dogs seemed fitting for dirk, what could he say, he was a man of simple pleasures.

"Farah?" He shouted across the flat. "When's the last time you fed them?"  
"Around noon, they should be good until supper." She shouted back. Dirk raised an eyebrow at the dogs before pulling a scoop of dog food out of the cupboard and dumping it into their bowls. He put a finger to his lips at them as they began to gorge themselves.  
"They grow up so fast," He sniffled to himself.  
"Did you just feed the freaking dogs again?" Dirk heard Farah shift in her desk chair, Rapunzel's ears turned back and she looked up at dirk. He looked sternly at her.  
"Don't you dare," He warned pointing at her with his index finger. Rapunzel barked.  
"I knew it!" Farah wooted from her office.  
"You bastard!" Dirk yelled at the dog before dramatically falling to his knees and rubbing the dog's head. "You're just mad because they like me more!"  
"They just like you more because you're giving them dog diabetes." She audibly got up from her desk and strode down the hall to catch dirk red-handed. She slapped him on the head, "Go, shoo." She had put her hair into knots today, Dirk noticed. Must have a date later.  
"Tina." She answered his look verbally and went to close the cupboard. "You are a menace to society." He shot the dogs a winning look and followed Farah as she walked through the kitchen and into the living room.  
"Got any Rex left over?" Farah looked at him as she threw herself down on the couch.  
"Tons, why?" Dirk furrowed his eyebrows and sat across from her in the recliner.  
"Tina wants to try the new stuff, you sure the new batch we got is safe?" Farah questioned. "How was," She snapped her fingers to remember the name "Peter- no, Kevin? no..."  
"Andrew," Dirk supplied,"And honestly I'd wait for a cleaner batch, that Andrew kid passed out."  
"Damn," She paused. "Guess we'll settle for a movie. Got weed?" Dirk rolled his eyes, got up and lifted up a statue of a gnome to toss a bag of weed from under it. "You da best."  
"I know." He bowed in two swooping gestures. Farah checked her watch.  
"I need to get ready for my date." Dirk hadn't the time to say a word before Farah was gone, and the bathroom door was slammed. The dogs, freshly out of food came trotting into the living room and Lydia laid across Dirk's feet.  
"I appreciate the sentiment, I really do. But because of your recent advances, I cannot move." Dirk rationalized to the now comatose dog. "Unbelievable." Rapunzel put her chin on Lydia's back and laid down in turn. Dirk stood there until Farah came out of the bathroom two hours later and physically removed Dirk's captors.


	2. residue

Dirk, finally in possession of his legs again, realized he should probably get to work. He stalked to his room and tugged off his shirt, replacing it with a navy blue polo shirt. He did up the buttons and examined himself in the mirror. Dirk Gently absolutely hated his job.   
He stuck his tongue out at his reflection and walked out of his room grabbing a granola bar and a jacket. The wrapper was torn off of the granola bar almost immediately as he stepped out the door. The bar was shoved in his mouth as he dug into his pocket for the keys to his car. He managed to find them in his cluttered pockets and he quickly slid into his driver's seat. 

Key in the ignition, music immediately begun blaring and Dirk hit the steering wheel to the beat was he reversed out of the alley near his building. Finally removing the bar from his mouth, Dirk turned onto the freeway. Dirk loved driving, he loved the commute to work. Dirk hated his job for a great many reasons. Reason one was his corporate overlords. The business part of weapons dealing. Selling bombs, guns, tanks, anything imaginable to anyone imaginable. This, in dirk's opinion, was what had started the end of the world. Now they were just going out with a bang. Literally.

Reason two was his phenomenal boss. He was entirely a dick, Dirk understood his job position, he did not need to be reminded and condescended about it 24/7.  
Dirk knew very well that his role as custodial staff was not considered a valid contribution to the organization, it was one of the reasons he'd chosen it. But damn if they had to be such bitches about it.   
Reason three was Emily. Emily wouldn't leave him alone, she was constantly spilling things just to get him to come personally clean it up. She was also insistent on continuing to flirt at him.   
He pulled off of the highway and pulled into the neatly groomed rows of Audis, that his work called a parking lot. His neon blue car was another reason that Dirk was ridiculed in the workplace. 

Getting out of the car, Dirk looked bitterly at his car before slamming the door and jogging to the front door of the ugly, blocky building. He punched in and jammed the elevator button repeatedly for the three minutes it took to come all the way down. He worked the night shift, so he didn't have to deal with many people except Emily, who didn't work the night shift. But still stayed late anyways.  
He walked out of the elevator and made his way to the cleaning closet. The desk lamp was on on Emily's desk and he winced. He needed to walk directly past it without being spotted. He tiptoed slowly past and-

"Um, sir? Excuse me I was just wondering-" Dirk stopped dead cursing the gods before it clicked that the voice addressing him wasn't shrill or demanding. Not Emily.  
Dirk turned to face the person at the desk. "-If you would maybe know where I could find the photocopier?" Asked the man.  
"Yeah sure, it's on my way anyways." Dirk waved the man along. He started walking again and looked back a couple times to check if the man was still following. He was. Several corridors later the copier stood before him. He pointed to it. "It's here. As you can probably see, it's pretty magnificent actually. You just kid of put things in, and it copies them." Dirk nodded at the machine. The man nodded back and shuffled his papers in his hands.  
"Thanks-"  
""I'll just leave you two to it I guess." He awkwardly patted the printer and turned to leave. Dirk strode down the hall to his closet and begun the job of putting garbage bags in the cans he had to fill.   
"Uh, sir?" A voice asked from behind him. His hands spasmed and the trash bags jerked out of them. he spun around and the man looked quizically at the bags, and then at Dirk.  
"I was entirely unfrightened by your presence." Dirk stated. "My hands just usually do that." The man just looked at him. He coughed. "Yes, I do that often." He scramble to pick up a bottle of soap on the shelf. He then proceeded to throw it. "See?"  
The man did in fact see it and just looked confusedly at the abused soap canister. Dirk coughed again. "So what do you need?"  
"Uh, how do you turn on... the copier?" The man rubbed his arm and looked at the floor.  
"Oh." Dirk deadpanned. "Have you tried giving it a blow job?" Dirk immediately wanted to shrivel up and die.


	3. Ruin your Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk gets on a train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the chapter titles aren't actually relevant, just titles or bits of songs I was listening to.

Dirk emerged from his corporate hellscape at 5:45 am and blinked accusingly at the sunrise. He felt like going out today, he had some grand idea of what that was supposed to entail before the idea itself got muddled up. He couldn't be completely sure where he had intended to go, but he wasn't about to give up.

Car abandoned in the parking lot, Dirk began walking.

> _Message from Farrarah Rocher:_
> 
> _"Gently, get me some fries on the way home."_
> 
> _Delivered 5:58 am._

Dirk smiled at his friend's message and typed something he felt was suitable in return.

> _"I cannot, going somewhere. Be back sometime. Feed the dogs!"_
> 
> _Sent 5:58 am._

He added an exclamation point to illustrate the importance of the task. He wired Farrah $75 before sliding his phone back into his pocket. He'd owe her for leaving her with the dogs and the clients to contend with, but she understood him at least a little bit at this point and knew he had to go.

He had some idea of where he'd look for where he'd go of course. He'd begin at the railway station. There he would find a train to take, or he wouldn't and end up walking on. Either way was fine for him though. He just knew he needed to go. He was zoning out to the idea when a city bus pulled up beside him and honked. This of course was a sign, so he got on as the doors were opened.

A kind lady sat behind the wheel and nodded for him to sit down. He vaguely remembered running into this lady on the road one day. She was in a remarkable state of disarray and was shouting at a garbage man who had supposedly thrown out her road chair (A chair for on the road naturally). And he had helped her to reclaim the beloved recliner from the supposedly sinister garbage man.

She looked remarkably better put together than on that day. Dirk sat himself next to an elderly man in a suit, and leaned his head against the window.

He sighed and sat up again. He tapped on his knees with his fingers, he bobbed his leg up and down, he nodded along to a song nobody could hear. The elderly man did not seem to be very interested in his undulating. When they eventually reached the railway station the man exited rather quickly looking quite in a huff. Dirk guessed he should exit too and decided that right was undeniably the right direction to begin walking. He found himself before an oddly dressed person who claimed to be giving away free train tickets. The hoards of other people in the station parted around the man like he was something unsightly they had encountered and didn't much care to continue looking at. Dirk decided this made him inherently trustworthy. The man looked shocked at the yellow clad stranger before him and raised an eyebrow.

"You advertise free tickets." He stated smiling politely at the man. "May I have one?"

"Terminal G, leaves in fifteen minutes." The man handed him an envelope.

"Are you coming?"

"I don't think so."

"Why?" Dirk cocked his head at the man.

"It's not my place to go." He shrugged.

"That is fair." Dirk nodded distractedly and gazed beyond the man.

"Go." He dismissed Dirk with a wave of a hand. "And answer the boy." Dirk nodded, because it was the only thing to do. He shook hands with the man and brushed past him to rush to his gate. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and quickly checked for a message from the Cosmos. Eight followup vibrations ran across his hand.

> _Message from Unkown Number:_
> 
> _"Hi, it's Todd, from work._
> 
> _Shit you don't have my number_
> 
> _or know my name._
> 
> _Um we met last night_
> 
> _I'm the intern so I handle parking issues._
> 
> _They told me you left your car here._
> 
> _You can't do that_
> 
> _And it's being towed_
> 
> _I'm sorry?"_
> 
> _Delivered 7:12 am._

Dirk cursed and continued his stride towards the terminal. 

> _"Hello Todd, that is fine. Don't worry about my car. I'll probably get it back at some point and if I don't than I do not need it."_
> 
> _Sent 7:15 am._

Dirk looked up from his phone to narrowly avoid head on collision with an angry woman in a fur coat. He arrived at his terminal and slid between the train doors as they began to shut. He breathed out a sigh of relief and shoved his phone in his jacket. His legs directed him to the second level of the train and he ran up the stairs with a sort of childish excitement. He stopped at the top and looked around for something interesting.

There wasn't anything.

A child sat alone and read a comic book, Dirk decided he'd do.

"Hi!" He exclaimed sliding into the seat across from the boy. "I'm dirk. Has anything remarkably strange happened to you lately?"

"Not until now." The boy eyed him over his comic. "Are you a traffic director?"

"Can you see any traffic to direct?" 

The boy nodded in acknowledgement and went back to his book. Dirk looked at him and waited for something interesting to happen.

> _Message from Unknown Number:_
> 
> _"Uh, yeah.. where exactly are you? You can't have gotten far without your car."_
> 
> _Delivered 7:26 am_

"Where are we?" Dirk consulted the boy. He hesitated before he rolled his eyes and looked up. 

"On a train?"

"Oh, well where are we going?"

"Portland."

> _"Somewhere on the way to Portland."_
> 
> _Sent 7:30 am._
> 
> _Message from Unknown Number:_
> 
> _"What the fuck?"_
> 
> _Delivered 7:30 am._
> 
> _"Why are you en route to Portland?"_
> 
> _Delivered 7:30 am._
> 
> _"How are you en route to Portland?"_
> 
> _Delivered 7:31 am._

The boy was looking up with an eyebrow raised when Dirk looked up from his phone. 

"You must be popular." Stated the boy.

"Just misunderstood." Huffed Dirk before attempting to respond to his inquisition.

> _"Universe, train. Anymore questions? Really Todd, you must try to keep up."_
> 
> _Sent 7:33 am._
> 
> _Message from Unknown Number:_
> 
> _"keep up? I've spoken to you for all of two minutes, in which you said you were travelling to Portland, and had no actual reaction to possibly losing your car, and you expect me to keep up?"_
> 
> _Sent 7:33 am._

"Some people." Dirk shook his head at the child.

> _"Yes."_
> 
> _Sent 7:38_

"Next stop: Ridgefield Station, nest stop: Ridgefield Station." Crackled the speakers. Dirk thought for a moment.

> _"Meet me in Ridgefield."_
> 
> _Sent 7:41 am._
> 
> _Message from Unknown Number-_

Dirk decided this must go.

> _Message from Todd:_
> 
> _"What the fuck?"_
> 
> _Delivered 7:43 am._
> 
> _"That's forty minutes away."_
> 
> _Delivered 7:43 am._

He felt the train stop and he stood from his seat.

"Goodbye." He told the boy before stalking off.

> _"I know Todd, but you're a part of this now."_ he typed.
> 
> _"Please"_ He added hastily slipping off the train. 
> 
> _Sent 7:45 am._

Dirk wandered blindly around the station, he had no sense of where to go, but this wasn't it, every turn felt wrong.

> _"Where"_ Came his response twenty minutes later.
> 
> _"The train station. <3"_
> 
>  
> 
>  

 

 


End file.
